I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
nutella sex= disaster
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
