Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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