May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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