I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
