doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
