Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
