no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
