i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
