What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I'm bleeding and have questions
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize