Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
