I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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