you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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