One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I queefed so loud it echoed.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Randomize
