grandma shit on top of the toilet
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
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