You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
