im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
