Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
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