when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Randomize
