remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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