my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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