but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
