I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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