Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize