i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
lets start a swedish sibling band together
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Randomize
