i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Randomize
