In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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