think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
