I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Randomize
