Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
