I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
