he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
