I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
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