I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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