the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
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