I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
