no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
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