She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
