i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Randomize