if only i could text you this smell
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
