I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
