I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
