i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
The feeling are messing with the penis
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
