I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Randomize
