she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
