I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
they say Disney World is the happiest place on Earth. It's a close second to the Super 8 on route 18. That place holds some great memories.
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
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