I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
