Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
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