How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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