Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
