I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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