it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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