...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize