Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Randomize
