I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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