Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Randomize
