so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize