At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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