Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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