Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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