Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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