Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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