dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
did i just pee glitter
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
