My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
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