I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize