you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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